a heart that longs for a little more time with you

                 I have found myself in the past 6 months or so, missing my Grandma more and more. It’s as if as time progresses and I am becoming older, I am becoming more aware of the things in my life I wish she could have shared in. I look back at the moments in my past that she has missed. My performances in high school, my graduation, monumental birthdays, how I would give anything to have had her there. I think of the things in my life to come, that she would have loved to see; a steady boyfriend, a career, engagement, marriage, kids. How I wish she were still here.

                However, lately I have found myself wishing for her presence more and more. And I think in the past month or so, I have realized why. With all the things going on in my church right now, all the miraculous evidence of the Holy Spirit; the healings in our church, the chase and desire for more of Gods gifting, my healing from asthma as well as the healings my mom has experienced… I just wish she were here. To not only see our healings and rejoice with us, but I wish she could have been healed from the list of things that she needed deliverance from, as well. I have found myself imagining what it would have been like to see her brittle bones strengthened before my eyes, her joints loosened and delivered from debilitating arthritis. Sometimes I almost feel guilty that we didn’t so fervently seek this anointing of the Holy Spirit, when she was around. But I am quickly reminded that, although she may have suffered her last years, this side of Heaven, and though it may be so exciting to see my asthma gone and my mom’s health restored… she is completely renewed, strengthened, energized and worshipping in the physical presence of the Almighty; at the feet of Jesus.

                6 years ago today, my Grandma went to be with Jesus. My heart misses her greatly. She was a kind hearted, hilarious, sweet woman… the kind of stereotypical Grandma that kids dream of. She was the old lady in the very last row of our church who used to smuggle orange tic tacs, smarties, and werther’s candies in her purse to give to my brother and I, and whichever friend sat with us that week. The Grandma who would slip us each a dollar before service was over so mom would take us to get a burrito at taco bell. The Grandma who wasn’t afraid to look silly to make her grandkids laugh. Who gave every last dime to make us have the best Christmas eve’s with her. Who had “girl nights” with my cousin and me before Christmas Eve, to bake and frost cookies for our family. The Grandma who used to load her house with my brothers favorite snacks, order him the latest wrestling Pay Per View event and had him over to watch it since we didn’t have cable. She was loving and thoughtful and I think of and miss her every day.

Grandma, its been 6 years since your suffering here ended, and your eternity with our Savior began. But I have seen you a few times, in my dreams. Those dreams are the very best to have, yet the very hardest to wake up from. I am reminded of you so often, whether it’s by something someone says, a candy I am eating, or the Christmas holiday. There is always something around me that reminds me of you, and while it makes me miss you more, it comforts me to feel like a part of you is still with me, in that moment. I love you, forever and anxiously await the day we will meet again. Till then, feel free to visit me in my dreams soon…