I feel as though something new is growing within my heart, my soul. I don’t exactly know how to explain it. It’s as if a new passion, a new love, a new desire and ability is being cultivated within me… something I can’t quite put a name on yet. Something that is just beginning.
The past weeks that I have endured have been rough, ugly, painful, at times. However, I never lost sight of my faith through it all. I had no other choice than to hold on to the fact that God must have something around the corner. Because if He didn’t, all this would be for naught, and I know that is not the way of the God I serve. The recent past that I have found myself in has been a test of my strength, of my trust. A test of my character, of my ability to choose acting in love rather than of the flesh. Am I the girl I so desperately desire to be? Am I the strong natured, rooted in Christ, loving to love girl that I esteemed myself to be? Can I keep it all together when the world is watching? Could I trust that God would show Himself in the end? Could it be that maybe, He isn’t just torturing me? Could it be that I wasn’t just dealt a disappointing hand? Could it be that He was seeing this as a chance to refine me, strengthen me, birth in me a new sense of self?
It’s not over yet. This season. I know that to be true. I am not out of the woods yet. But as I begin to see the clearing in the horizon I begin to wonder, could it really be that the words I have found myself speaking to others, the scriptures I recite, could they really be applying to *me*? No, I retract that… I don’t begin to wonder, rather, I begin to realize that the words of The Bible are not just words for me to use to comfort other people, but they are real living words that are there for me. God spoke these words with me in mind. He had them written into existence knowing that in this season, this girl would be seeing them come forth as a reality in her world.
1 Peter 5:10 (ESV) And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
I have, just in the past week or two, noticed a turning in my heart, in my soul, my spirit. I feel as though there is something new on the horizon. I have found my heart rejoicing in places I never imagined it would. Where I was once uncomfortable or insecure about doing certain tasks or having certain responsibilities, a new comfort and assurance of me has begun to develop. I find myself feeling passionate about certain areas that I never really felt were my calling. There are characteristics growing that were once small and unidentifiable.
I don’t know where this is all leading. I don’t know where God is calling me. The possibilities are endless. I am not yet able to put a name on that which is developing in my spirit. This strength, dignity, and perseverance that I am discovering, although still in their beginning stages, all have a purpose in the destiny that Christ has chosen for me. I don’t know where my road leads ahead, whether it’s the life I always planned, or something completely out of my comfort zone. Only time and God’s provision will tell… All that I know for sure is that this life is not my own… and somehow that is the most comforting, exciting part.
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