and off we go...

    I’ve been wanting to blog for awhile now. I always feel like writing things out helps clear my mind. It’s like a type of therapy, but I never know how to start. What to talk about, how long to talk about it. I am a texter at heart, not a blogger. (I deleted all my texts from this past Friday, 300and something text messages, 225 of those were from a conversation with one person lol) I am good when there is someone to respond, when I know someone is there, on the other end, reading my rants or my pain, my joy and my excitement. But the thought crossed my mind millions of times, “What if there is no one on the other end reading your nonsense? What if they read it and think you are the most lame person on this earth?” I realized it doesn’t really matter. I realized that those were just stupid little worries I placed in my head that, in all seriousness, I couldn’t care less about. I don’t care if there isn’t a soul in the world who ever stumbles upon my senseless, random, mundane words. I don’t care if you think they are senseless, random or mundane… Its all just a way for me to sort through the countless thoughts in my mind… I need to stop caring so much about what others think anyway…

    My new desire to start blogging began a while back, when my life started to take a change. I was making new friends, making new mistakes, trusting new people, I got a new job, I was growing in Christ. All these new things were happening, some were great, some ended up breaking my heart. Yet I had no outlet to write all my feeling down. To relieve stress or to be 100% transparent and honest about everything I was feeling. I had no place to really keep a timeline of what the Lord was working within me. And that’s when I thought I should write it all down, and keep it in a blog, to keep track of my failures, my growth, my strength, my hardships. So that I could freely express who I am becoming every day, and look back on it one day, and smile. I would sometimes post a status on Facebook or update my Twitter with a small little tid-bit of what I was feeling, but I realized that 140 characters cannot always express the whirlwind of things going on in my mind. There is also the fact that, I have so many family members and certain people on Facebook or Twitter who, if I posted a certain thing, would question me till no end. What if I just wanted to be mysterious in whatever it was I was saying? What if I wanted to express myself, but didn’t want to add detail, no one on Facebook or Twitter is really allowed to do that without people asking “why?” But this is MY blog, this is my spot for my thoughts or feelings or prayers. A world I am letting people into, but a world where I am allowed to be as detailed, or aloof as I desire because its MINE. (That’s not to say any of you who read these are restricted from any questions or comments) But it’s just a place where I am allowed to be 100% me.  And that, that was my real fear. That IS my real fear. That as I start this blog and [try to] keep up with it, whoever you are reading this, will begin to understand the person I really am. That the essence of who I am, the true girliest of girls that I am, down to my core, will be able to seep through all the mystery and vagary. I am a girl who has walls, who holds secrets dear to her heart. There are very few people who know who I REALLY truly am, very few who know the ins and outs of what makes me, me. I may be afraid to start to show parts of who I really am, of what makes me who I am, but what’s life without looking a little fear in the face, and taking on a little adventure. Some of you may decide that there are parts to me you wish didn’t exist, that the person I am doesn’t really fit well with the person you are, maybe some of you will be able to find me more relatable or personable. Whatever the case, be warned, this may get angry at times, it may get emotional, it may be uncomfortable and unpleasant. But I know it will also get “religious”-if you will, it will get serious, it will get personal, it will get mushy and it will be full of love- because in the end, all that I am is a girl who loves to love.